I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
