he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
