i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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