I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She's the barista slut.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
