we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
