She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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