i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
