peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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