we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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