Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
