i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
