It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
