But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
