I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
