She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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