maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
