Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
