watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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