i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
