the new term for farting is butt boxing.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
