He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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