At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I could fuck to npr.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
