What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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