the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
