I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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