I have demons in me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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