That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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