i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
