WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
