he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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