i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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