dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
