If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
