Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
