if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
