i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
