On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
