So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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