Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
