The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
