Cold hands, warm shart.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
