are you still at the devil's house?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
