I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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