my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
