I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize