Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
