I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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