anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
