we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
