Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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