not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
