I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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