I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
