So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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