Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
