my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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