How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
