I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
