tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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